tired of plastic?

i've just realized my own greatness

Mon, 19 Mar 2007 05:28:14 GMT

and i want to say this without ego
that i am a truly beautiful human being

tonight i talked with some very important people in my life
and though i don't always like some of them,
i've found that i can live with that

because it's the impact i've made on their lives
and the impact they've made on me
that is the one and only, all important x-factor
the color and the shadow that adds definition to the shape of me

stirrup pants are awesome.

Thu, 15 Mar 2007 05:32:40 GMT

i've just realized that the uniforms in star trek ds9 are all full of stirrup pants. the stirrup pant is a many splendored thing. let me explain:
1. it provides the perfect mix of baggy and well-fitted. if you wear the stirrups over your shoes, the pant legs do not touch your actual legs, and create a wonderfully unnatural and straight line from hip to ankle.
2. the stirrup pant accentuates the ass...
3. stirrup pants are so deliciously ridiculous!
Although the stirrup pant is currently not in the fashion vernacular, i am confident that by the 24th century they will indeed to come back in style.

i kissed my best friend's boyfriend last night, with tongue

Sat, 10 Mar 2007 19:46:11 GMT

(felt the need to make that distinction--with tongue)
but i think it's ok because she was right there, and we'd already kissed on a prior occaision anyway.

i'm realizing that i wasn't meant to do the things i want to do

Tue, 06 Mar 2007 03:08:25 GMT

social work and school are, i've decided, probably the two worst things in the world for me. the amount of time and energy, the organization, the regemented thinking that these things take are really taking their toll on me. i wish i knew how to be effective in the kind of practice i enjoy without it eating me alive. i wish i could do school witout it doing me. but i'm lucky to have come through all this education with a strong enough sense of self to know when to move on. now i just need to figure out what to do. maybe instead of case management i can do advocacy work. maybe i can take a break from social work and move into something else. like food service. or bartending. (which will get me more money than social work anyway) or maybe i'll just dedicate my life to some religion or something. i'm not sure which one i'll pick. they all seem to have some really good ways to work for humanity. a vow of poverty would be incredibly liberating. i really think this could be good. maybe i'll just become an artist. i don't need to have gone to school for that shit anyway. my friend told me that the only reason there are art schools is so that artists can learn how to defend their work. maybe i'll run for office. what do you think?

xena in the snow...

Fri, 02 Mar 2007 06:30:03 GMT

last night dite and i started our xena marathon. yesssss!!!
(and yes, i was properly razzed by my roommate for watching, let alone liking, such a show)
i left her house at about 11:30 and was surprised to see the sky was, yet again, spewing flakes of that sticky white shit known in these god-forsaken parts as snow. it had just started to snow, as the sidewalks and streets were just barely dusted with the stuff.

as i was carefully decendending the front steps, i thought to myself, "if it's snowing, that means the air is cold enough for snow to exist, and if snow exists as snow, the roads are probably freezing over at this very second, if not already frozen." (yes, this is what the inside of my head sounds like)

truer words were never spoken, or thought...

as i rounded a bend in the road near my house, i saw a car parked at a funny angle in a no parking zone. i thought that was strange. as i got nearer this car, i noticed that one of its wheels was not touching the ground, and that it was firmly planted in a snowbank. how it got there, i don't really know, and didn't care to ask. judging by the very new tracks in the snow dust, which was on top of glare ice, the car had simply drifted to one side without permission from it's owner, and with considerable wherewithal for an only slightly animate object.

being the good-natured person that i am, and being that this car was "parked" so near my house, the only neighborly thing to do was help out. so i sauntered over somewhat cockily--after all, my car was safely parked in the ramp. i had heard the forcast was snow, and planned ahead--and asked the stranded driver if he wanted help. by that time, two more lovely bystanders decided to come and help. the three of us tried pushing this car while its owner threw it into reverse.

nothing. dead stop. zero movement. what. so. ever.

the car's owner, looking somewhat forelorn said, "thanks guys for your help, but i think i'll just try to dig myself out." as i started to walk away, i noticed that he had only an ice-scraper, and had some vague notion of going home to get a broom or something else that would be more shovel-like. as i was leaving, two more people came out of cafe montmartre (i love that place) ready to help.

the four of us dug in again. we tried with all our might to budge this poor stuck car, but to no avail. the smell of burning rubber and the whine of the one tire screaching on the pavement was just another sign of our failure. as we started kicking more snow out from under the car, one of the fine young gentlemen from monmartre said, "if you put the floor mat under the tire, it might give it enough traction."

What a brilliant suggestion!

i dug some of the freshly disturbed snow out from under the one tire that provided any propulsion (front wheel drive car, only one front wheel touching the ground) and placed the mat below it. at first it didn't seem to make any difference at all. then slowly the car inched, nay millimetered, its way out of the snow.

as i picked up the mat from the snow-covered pavement, i noticed that there was a perfect imprint of the right front tire's treds on it. i hope its owner doesn't mind too much. after all, he didn't have to call a tow truck.

after all this excitement, i was ready to go home and go to bed. there were still people spilling out of montmartre, and the world was too rambunctious for my tastes. after all, i had worked a long shift this evening, and i had earned my sleepiness. just as i was about to head in to go to bed, someone turned the corner by montmartre onto webster (a one-way) going the wrong way! i tried to run after him and tell him of his error, but to no avail. he must have noticed something was wrong when he got to the next corner, however, and none of the street lights were facing his way (not to mention that he almost hit two cars). i'm glad no one died.

what an exciting evening! i'm glad it's over, and i'm heading to bed.
(and if this wasn't the most boring livejournal entry ever, than i haven't done my job)

i don't want to grow up

Wed, 28 Feb 2007 15:32:07 GMT

last night i went to dinner with my friend kevin at red robbin. the food was ok, but i couldn't eat even half of my burger. i really had a lot of fun. it was nice to see kevin, since i hadn't in like months. we got a chance to chat (he's dating someone new, which i always very exciting), and we got to watch an episode of invader zim later, which i had never seen before.

while at dinner, which was eaten in very close proximity to a good many other fine individuals, i saw that there was a kid making faces at me. he was pretty goofy looking. i think he was about five or six or so, and he was very gap-toothed and awkward looking. just the funniest thing i've ever seen really. so i started making faces back at him. the kid was sitting behind kevin, so at first he was really confused. i explained the situation, and then he just laughed pretty much the rest of the evening.

...i feel the need to explain the relationship i have with kevin. when we hang out we play a game that has two distinct names, one of which i use, and the other kevin uses. when i refer to this game, it's called, "i win, you lose," and when kevin does, he uses the name, "you win, i lose." the game consists of me making faces, talking, or cracking jokes until kevin smiles. if i make kevin smile, i win. it usually takes about 7 seconds for me to "win." and i usually "win" hundreds of times a night. it's a pretty fun game because even the loser is smiling. (not saying kevin is a loser by any means, the game is just decidedly in my favor, seeing as how i'm the funniest person on the planet)...

this kid that i was playing with, besides looking really awkward and gap-toothed, looked like a little bit of a trouble-maker. he just had that look about him. his mom told him to stop no less than 8 times during dinner, but thankfully, he didn't. he did the fingers in the corner of the mouth face, with tongue wagging. he did the piggy nose (after i did it first). he made the tongue sticking out face. he even tried to cross his eyes, again taking cue from me, but he hadn't learned that one yet, so he just looked kinda lazy-eyed.

at the end of the night his mother looked a little exasperated. she finally made him stand up next to her, at which point he began jumping around and making even stranger faces than before. it was probably the greatest thing i've ever seen. this kid was on the other side of a long bench from where i was. as he and his family rounded the corner, and headed toward the exit, he said "goodbyyeeee!" kevin and i almost died of laughter at that point. (i really hope the kid didn't get into trouble because of me) oh man, this night really brightened my week.

my life is very small

Tue, 20 Feb 2007 19:36:06 GMT

i live between classes and things. but classes and things are starting to consume me.

today i talked with a very dear friend that i hadn't heard from in a while.

Tue, 20 Feb 2007 07:31:53 GMT

it was very nice. it's amazing how seemingly bad events can bring about a wonderful change in your life, or cause a revolution in thought, or bring someone new into your life. this friend of mine became my friend because i got into a car accident. she came by and gave me a hug and said "it's just your car" and she was right. smart lady...

my smile has changed lately

Thu, 15 Feb 2007 17:42:41 GMT

it's lost a little of its luster
but i think the quality of my hugs has improved because of it.

wow, i'm famous!

Sun, 04 Feb 2007 23:43:25 GMT

so apparently i've reached a new high in my career as a writer.
a friend of mine is gonna perform a piece i wrote for an audition.
i don't know what kind of audition it is...
i guess she needed something from an "'angry lesbian' american writer."
considering i don't really identify as "angry" or "lesbian," (or "writer," and for that matter, the "american" part is questionable too) i think it's pretty funny that she chose something of mine. i'm actually kinda excited. it's gratifying for the ego and all that...

*reference 1/13/2006 to see the piece she's using.*

i'm scared into silence

Mon, 08 Jan 2007 16:13:17 GMT

by my lack of originality
and my lack of emotionality
lately i've been content to be numb

i wish i could find my heart again
i wish i could find my passion
i wish there was something that moved me
but i gotta move myself

oh man, i sleep all the time. it's great!

Thu, 04 Jan 2007 06:35:37 GMT

the last few days i've pretty much laid around my apartment naked.
it's pretty great when my roommate isn't around.
jk, i love kaitlin. (i just also love being naked...)
i worked yesterday and today, but that's it.
break is sooooo relaxing!

i have been feeling self indulgent and destructive lately.

Mon, 18 Dec 2006 17:51:18 GMT

i have now decided to be creative instead.
i have decided to let the world in again.

i also decided to apply to teach for america for next year.
i am going to let their decision be my decision about staying in madison or not.

it's amazing how helpful the I Ching oracle has been lately

Sat, 02 Dec 2006 17:53:36 GMT

i don't know if you believe in such things, but i've found divination to be useful lately. i've asked the i ching oracle a number of questions i've been wondering about lately, and it's really helped me out. i've asked the same questions of it twice a week for the last couple of weeks, and the answers have remained somewhat constant. i think that means i'm doing ok.

if you want to consult the oracle, you can do it at http://www.mdani.demon.co.uk/para/iching2.htm

i've rediscovered the nature of the universe

Mon, 20 Nov 2006 05:34:40 GMT

it happens from time to time that we all lose sight of what life is.
karma keeps us bound to this cyclic existence.
impermanence is all there is, except for the music of the universe.

it's in the way i move.
how i breathe.
who i am.
i can't think without a beat behind me.
i can't walk without my rythms.
all we see are vibrations.
all we hear.
just particles bouncing off each other.
i can't touch you because there is not a you to touch.
there isn't a me to touch you.
i am a living corpse, and i am free.
we are all dying, which means we can live.

i was gonna get a tattoo

Thu, 16 Nov 2006 03:43:54 GMT

but then i didn't.

i went and hung out with laura today.
that was nice.
and i also went to a meeting.
that was long.

alex was a perfect gentleman tonight.

i went to a bar tonight

Wed, 15 Nov 2006 08:04:07 GMT

it was the one right off atwood on ohio. it has a big "BLATZ!!" sign.
it was great. i had a blast. and got hit on by this forty-somethingish lady.
she was like in love with me. she has two kids and likes youngish queer women. it was pretty awesome...
i had lots of fun with kaitlin and tom. we played pool. it was great.
the end.

shopping at goodwill is fun.

Tue, 14 Nov 2006 17:04:51 GMT

i bought a lot of stuff.
it's not really a new look or anything.
i just didn't have any scarfs (or is it scarves?)
and i bought some new pants and some sweaters and all that good stuff.
oh, and my hair is really short again.
just in time for winter!!

thanksgiving

Tue, 14 Nov 2006 05:25:24 GMT

this will be the first one without my gramma.
she passed away before i got to come out to her.
not that she would have been too receptive.
or maybe i'm simply not giving her enough credit.
she's a very fantastic lady.
i really miss her.
today i had a really spiritual experience, and i could almost feel her looking at me.
i think that's what i need right now--to know that she's still there.
a life such as hers can't be bounded by death.

i've had a day today...
parking ticket this morning, and then a shit of a day for the rest of it.
tomorrow is new, and i have this to look forward to.

i'm sleepy.
i will see you in exactly 8 hrs.
goodnight moon!

ha ha ha

Mon, 13 Nov 2006 16:46:24 GMT

i went for a drive this morning and i saw a bird being eaten by a cat. it was kinda strange. but also kinda funny. kinda like watching a killer whale eat a seal on tv or a lion eating a gazelle or a crocodile eating a baby whatever or a shark eating a dolphin or something. like "oooh it's nature at it's cruelest!"
Gaia isn't our mother, she's a manipulative slut.

i need something

Mon, 13 Nov 2006 01:57:50 GMT

i need to run home
but it's gone
picked-up, moved-on
no forwarding address

school sucks

Sun, 05 Nov 2006 20:44:35 GMT

i'm tired of doing hours of work for some silly "master's degree." i should just quit now, but i've invested too much.

i'm listening to tegan and sara

Wed, 22 Mar 2006 08:31:21 GMT

and it's awesome
i've had a drunken and beautiful night
there were people present that i don't like
and ones who i do

i realized many things tonight:

good people can do things to people that hurt
even if they love them

self protection is something that most people do
or are or use or whatever
(even if i don't)

i like to dance, even if i'm horrible at it
(and i am...)

all you need is me
according to tegan and sara.
but that's simply not true though.
i love the idea that all you can need or have or be is another person,
but it's not true.
this is the time of my life, but that doesn't mean that every other day isn't also that.

where did all the trees go?

i'm glad i don't know it all!

i run with the things i hear
i wish i could be a little more origianl.
but the thing about originality is that you can't relate to it.
or maybe you can,
but to me it feels too new.
this is not to say that new thingsf are bad.
i'm jsut saying that the ways we encorporaate things are interesting.

some people say that there is nothing new under the sun.
i disagree.
even if we repeat things in gestalts (not just in terms of words, but almost in
terms of actions and thoughts and other things too)
the act of applying our personalities to those over and over again change those.

i dont' know about me and my life and the things that comprise it
but i do knwo that even if i say the things that everyone knows,
they will change.
they fit me
a new person
a person completely new.
i am not the things that i'm built with

i don't mean to say that we rise above them
what i mean is that the things i'm built with are changed by me.

i feel awake in ways that i have never been

Mon, 20 Mar 2006 19:55:19 GMT

and all i can do is keep opening that up
i'm blasting through the dust,
shaking out the sleepies,
and beginning to understand that i will never know
what it means to be fully awake.
but maybe sleep is one way we mediate our experience,
and bear the world,
though i feel the need to bare it instead.
strip it down to the core.

new term:
developmentally dislabeled (i really prefer it to disabled. much more accurate)

my dad said something very interesting tonight

Sat, 04 Mar 2006 04:25:38 GMT

it was that he thinks success in raising children
is inversely related to the amount of fear they have around striking off on their own
i don't know about thiss....
he says that he's really proud of my brother and i because we aren't afraid to do new things and be by ourselves.
what he may not realize is that the fear is still there.
he was successful in raising us because we can deal with that fear affectively.
he doesn't understand fear because he lives with anxiety.
those are two completely different things.